Hello, people of the United States and a couple less silly countries,

A new year has begun.
You can smell it in the air.
Kind of fresh, kind of shitty.

I have some big plans this year.
First and foremost I am committed to spending less time in the fetal position.
A half hour a day, tops... not counting after sex.

Also, after reviewing my past blog posts, it has come to my attention that I can be a tad negative.
Is this hindering my success? Who's to say.

Sure. There are loads of optimistic people who have found great material wealth and an abundance of erotic pleasantries.
But let's not forget the pessimistic people who have prospered too.

Satan. Satan. Satan.
I know, God kicked Satan's ass in the very first WrestleMania many many years ago.
However it says a lot about Damien's dadda that he was able to move on from that humiliation.

He has his own place now, his own "business", which is jamming a pitchfork up people's asses. By the way, if you screw up in hell what's your punishment? That's right. you become a producer on The View.

Plus, the Dark Lord is a bachelor.
Which means he is getting tons of tail.
Imagine how liberated the women in hell are.
It's like Girls Gone Wild but dirtier.

Somebody told me that the ultra-famous Dane Cook gives encouraging words and advice to his fans via his website.
Good idea.

Here goes:

To all my fans out there,
I advise you to ignore any advice Dane Cook might give you, unless it has to do with hair product or situps.

Below is Kurt Vonnegut.
He offers no advice but some interesting insights.

For those of you interested in what is going on with me, I have this to say:
Nothing.
I can send you a video to prove it.

You know what would be on the video?
Nothing.
No big ideas.

No socializing.

No sex.

I don't own a television.

So when I am doing nothing, it really is nothing.

Oh, occasionally I look at stuff on youtube, but what I watch is essentially nothing, totally void of real content.
It's like my brain except fancier.

I know there is a big political campaign going on, but politics are gay.
I don't really care.
You know what a new president will do for this world?
Nothing.

Holy shit.
That means I could be President.

If I were president I would make press conferences interesting so they would get posted on youtube and tons of people would watch them and all the posts would get five stars.

"Mr. President, what is your first order of business?" To masturbate in the oval office, then I am going to dry hump the oval desk. Next question.
"Thank you, Mr. President. I don't really have a question. I just want you to know that the desk in the oval office is actually more rectangle in shape." So is your mom's vagina. Next question."
"Mr. President, what will be your biggest challenge over the next four years?" I would say not going number two in my pants. Oops, too late.

By the way, I will be in Erie Pennsylvania on Friday and Huntington, West Virginia on Saturday for the Bob and Tom Tour.